Here’s the thing about growing up – maybe it’s all about seeing the same problems from different angles.
There are certain flaws of mine which I’ve learnt to look at in different ways – taking responsibility in different ways, for them, with considerable help, of course. I’ve gone from wanting to change myself for others, to change myself for me.
But right now I really want to talk about loving yourself. I don’t really know how I felt about myself when I was younger, but one thing is certain, I’ve always taken myself too seriously, and I’ve always, always assumed I’m right before being proven wrong. I hate how self absorbed I am, and borderline narcissistic I can be, and I’ve been proven wrong enough times to start doubting myself.
And the self hatred started somewhere from there.
Self hatred, is weird, just like self love. It’s weird to think of a relationship in one body. A relationship which technically has two sides. But maybe it’s a relationship between who you are and who you want to be, or are expected to be, or expect yourself to be. And when you can’t match up, it’s just this constant struggle.
I always thought I’d be happy with myself if I did this or got that, but what I didn’t realize is that this pessimistic outlook doesn’t pertain to one or two traits or situations. Ask me to make a list of all the reasons I love myself, and I will find a gaping but… in each of them.
I know we love for a reason, we love others for a reason. Or at least, we’re attracted to someone for a reason, and then it gets deeper, the more you share.
So there should be a reason for loving myself, but when each reason I know can be countered, when there’s someone better, when it’s been proved wrong, when, when, when….
I want to love myself because I need it. Because it will solve half my problems, and because the more I make an effort to love myself, the less I will hate myself. It sounds stupid, but it’s true. The more I become okay with who I am, the less awkward I will be, and the less I will hate myself.
I don’t have a reason for loving myself, and I want to love myself despite having no reason. I want it because I deserve it. No one can heal me if I don’t. No one else’s love can change me the way mine can.
Self doubt and hatred has led me into situations that I still struggle with. It’s a vicious cycle. Round and round until negativity becomes a habit.
I just want to be okay with who I am. Be okay with my flaws. Be proud of my strengths. I don’t want to give in to the world, because if I do, then I’m the only one who suffers.